Episode 101 - Good people do bad things...
In this episode we will talk about a topic that is the reason why many don’t seek help or accept they have PTSD or the like. “They were good people”. Sometimes even stating that they have no bad intentions. Sadly, that matters little - only what happened does. So we talk this time, about good people doing bad things and why that doesn’t necessarily makes them bad people or anything less true.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about a topic that is the reason why many don’t seek help or accept they have PTSD or the like. “They were good people”. Sometimes even stating that they have no bad intentions. Sadly, that matters little - only what happened does. So we talk this time, about good people doing bad things and why that doesn’t necessarily makes them bad people or anything less true. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:42]
I stopped counting a long time ago. People claiming they can’t have PTSD or struggle with the word abuse and the like, because the person causing it was a good person. Genuinely a good person. Who cares tremendously for their wellbeing. Good people with good intentions in horrible situations can do horrible things. For example: There was this father, who discovered that his son is gay and killed him. Not because HE thought gay was a bad thing - but because he was scared. He feared his son would go to hell if he acted on his gayness. So he killed him before he was damned to hell and doomed himself to hell instead. He said he knows he will go to hell for what he has done as it was horrendous, but at least his son was saved from this fate. For me this is just so utterly, utterly heartbreaking. This man so deeply loved and cared for his son, that he was willing to spend eternity suffering for him. As far as he knew, there were just two solutions and he was in a state of complete desperation. And in the end the result of his good intentions are a tragedy. There are countless less extreme examples I could have taken, but it just shows how far this can go. If good intentions automatically let to good results - the world would be such a better place. First we start with good intentions not leading to good results and then why bad things don’t mean someone is a bad person.
Good intentions =/= good results [2:37]
I am not sure where the myth originates, that good intentions lead to good results. I am sure we all got a gift or did something for someone with good intentions, that resulted in a different outcome than we wanted or sometimes even hurt someone. So we all know that good intention don’t mean good results. Maybe it is because we want it to be the case or we sympathize with the struggle. Either way, many struggle to talk badly about people who are generally good. They feel like a liar or a traitor or the like. As they feel like accusing the person of a crime, when they are merely talking about what happened to them. I think it is crucial to separate between abuser and abused. Or more precisely what the abuser did and what happened to the abused. Because how to deal with the person who did this to you is a complete separate topic or can of worms as the saying goes. When accepting what happened to you - it is only important how you perceived it. The correction follows in therapy or your healing path. Maybe just a little - maybe a lot. Once again - trauma is based on emotions and not facts. How you felt is important. It is wise to try to separate it as much as you can from the person who harmed you. For many, many reasons.
Bad things =/= bad person (not only) [4:19]
Have you dealt with what happened to you then it is time to deal with the person and what to do. In this context it doesn’t mean just because the person did a bad thing, that they are a bad person. One good deed doesn’t make a good person and neither does one bad one make a bad person. It is always an accumulation. Also an important role plays if the person knew it had negative effects, if it was an accident and so on and so forth. While the abuser should never have a role in the healing journey - as it makes one dependent on him again and it really isn’t needed - it might be useful in this scenario, if you want to return to a relationship with that person. Or maybe you from the start saw the event as a separate thing from that person - in that case all is well. Sometimes you just need to find for yourself how you stand to this and how this changes or not changes things. Or just need to talk through it all. And sometimes you might need a form of action of the other person. That is all fine. Just don’t expect to hear an answer that will make it all alright. It is just there to settle things and calm things down. The hurt and pain don’t go away like this. They have to be dealt with on their own - as mentioned before. As usually it will take a lot of time and effort.
Outro [6:02]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 102 - ... and bad people do good things
In this episode we will talk about bad people doing good things, which I know is a complicated and loaded topic on its own, but under our circumstances it turns into a complete mine field. I am talking about the person who causes so much suffering doing good things. Sometimes even great things. It is a taboo we need to talk about, as we have to properly sort it out before we can move on - as conflicting as it can be.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about bad people doing good things, which I know is a complicated and loaded topic on its own, but under our circumstances it turns into a complete mine field. And also I am not talking about Stockholm syndrome - maybe another time. I am talking about the person who causes so much suffering doing good things. Sometimes even great things. It is a taboo we need to talk about, as we have to properly sort it out before we can move on - as conflicting as it can be. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:50]
I found this topic really well summarized with the yin and yang image. As in there isn’t something good without something bad and there isn’t something bad without something good. That has always been the truth of life as far as I witnessed it. I mean we can use the most vile people in history and they will have good aspects about them and will have done good things. Maybe not much, but it is definitely there. To my knowledge there is no 100% evil person. That is hard enough to swallow when it is just a very nasty coworker, but it even goes so far that there might be a genuine good moment or a humane moment with those that are torturing you and make you go through unspeakable things. Not the ones they use for of the procedure. Genuine ones. Which makes what happens otherwise so much worse and definitely makes accepting what happened to you so much harder. No matter what it was that happened to you. It just messes with your head. Which is why it is so important that we talk about it - to break the silence and the taboo and because we need to to heal and leave it all behind us. So let us take a closer look with first talking about bad people doing good things in general and then good moments with someone bad.
Bad people doing good things in general [2:26]
The first point - about bad people doing good things in general - which is more or less a completely normal and general thing. There are several reason why dealing with bad people doing good things is problematic. One the public opinion - as it can be used as an excuse to dismiss the claims and the victims. Once in claiming a person doing good couldn’t be doing what is claimed or that the good things the person did somehow negates the negatives ones. But it doesn’t only affect outside opinions - many people struggle to attribute their abuse when their abuser does also a lot of good things. There is doubt, self gas lightning and questioning your own memory. Which is understandable, but unnecessary. Even if he did good things, even if it is was directly for you - that makes the abuse suffered not less valid. Abuse isn’t a math problem - good things don’t take the bad things away.
Good moments with bad people (need for connection) [3:36]
To the second point - the genuine good moments with your abuser - it is crucial to understand that we are social beings with a need for connection. So especially if you spend a long time - and especially if it is isolated - with your abuser - it is basically bound to happen. One of the biggest struggle people have who suffered extreme abuse is: How could another person - another human - do this to me? Having such a connecting moment makes everything so much worse. That moment doesn’t need to be long or intense. Just a moment of familiarity or humanity shown by the abuser is enough. Shortly afterwards everything goes back to normal. You might even had several of those moments - and/or long ones. They change everything and nothing at the same time. But how can you admit to those moments? Where you felt for or with them? Where there was a connection? It makes separating so much harder. While that is the case - it is key to accept that these moments happened and not bury them. While they don’t change anything about the abuse you suffered - if we ignore them we are just planting problems to keep haunting us. And we need to deal with it to move on. There are a lot of emotions connected to this - especially shame. Survival is never pretty. Most of the things one does to survive is best never said out loud. Even things you do to survive that only affect you. Its embarrassing and dehumanizing. It is completely normal to feel shame. But it is also important to forgive yourself. It might take a while… maybe a long while - as this is a very hard pill to swallow. The important thing is to not just bury it. In some situations you don’t really have a choice. What else could you have done? Realistically? With your knowledge at the time? With the options that you had? With the needs you had? Take your time… this won’t be an easy or fast solution… and a hard and rough journey. So take your time and go at your own pace.
Outro [6:29]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 103 - Why can't I just be normal again?
In this episode we will talk about the question “Why can’t I just be normal again?” - which is something heard throughout the journey - from start to finish - and one of the reasons why people can’t progress on the healing journey. Which is why it so crucial we address it and spill the tea - as the saying goes. So let us talk about it
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the question “Why can’t I just be normal again?” - which is something heard throughout the journey - from start to finish - and one of the reasons why people can’t progress on the healing journey.
Which is why it so crucial we address it and spill the tea - as the saying goes. So let us talk about it
Prelude [0:37]
So let us start this with our almost usual disclaimer, that there is no normal. To quote from the Addams family: “Normal is an illusion - what is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly”. What we think is normal is what we learned it to be - especially as a child. Though what I assume most people mean when they ask this question “Why can’t I just stop being sick?” - which is an all to familiar question and I would argue a rather reasonable one. Most people don’t like to be sick, suffer, loose, suffer loss especially and so on. Which is one of the reasons we jump back up too soon and not when we are actually done properly healing. Which often results in us in relapsing back into the illness or delaying the procedure for weeks or more if what only was left was time. I am not excluding myself. We are going to talk about why this sentiment is harmful and might bring your healing journey to a standstill. First we going to talk about change through experience, then no return doesn’t mean stuck and getting back on the path.
You get changed by any experience [1:56]
For the first point it is really important to remember, that we change through ANY experience. Be it one in the supermarket, a lesson or up to an extreme traumatic experience. We are in constant change. Or at least it is best we are. If you have diary read up something from years ago - I would be surprised if you felt that was “you”. The more things we experience and the more extreme they are - the bigger the change. This is what helps us grow and be a better self. Which means if you change by climbing a mountain then you also change through a traumatic experience. It is that simple. And that is not inherently bad. But that also means you can’t go back to your old normal - because it doesn’t exist anymore. Not because you are doomed or you are bound to it through your PTSD, but simply because you are in constant change and we can never go back. We only can try and correct our course and change ourselves to someone we want to be.
No return doesn’t mean stuck [3:08]
Which leads to our second point, that just because you can’t reverse the change doesn’t mean you are bound to be sick or suffering. You wouldn’t want to undo the change you did because you climbed that mountain would you? So why is it that you would want to undo this change? I think one of the biggest point is that it was forced upon you. You didn’t make the choice to change and you didn’t get to choose in which direction it would go. There are many experiences we grow from - that despite being negative or painful don’t get this reaction. I feel like the biggest factor is the choice being taken away from you and someone else determining in which way you would change. It is invasive and removes your ability to form your own life. Something most people most likely haven’t experienced before. It is hard to put in words, what it is like, when someone takes away the control over your own life. It is naturally wanting to change or remove something that was forced upon you. But this is not how it works - you are in a moving car - so to speak - and all you can do is getting back on your own path.
Getting back on the path [4:30]
This is the final point of this - getting back on the path. Because you can protest, cry, flail, jump, demand to get your right or whatever you want, but it won’t change what happened and usually only stops you from moving forward. One of the most crucial steps to getting back to normal is to accept that what happened just happened and you have to work to get back on track. It is not fair, you deserve better and it isn’t just. It is just how it is. By tackling the trauma, working on yourself, rethinking, relearning and the like - you can become the person you want to be again. Though some things might not be able to be regained - some things remain changed forever. Doesn’t mean once again that you are stuck to suffer or the like, but once you saw how the sausage is made you can’t not know it. It shouldn’t affect you, but it might remain unchangeable. There will be a new you. One that YOU formed. With time and effort.
Outro [5:50]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 104 - Was it all for nothing?
In this episode we will talk about a very sobering moment in your healing journey that is sadly also reflected in real life. The question “Was it all for nothing?” is a deeply dark question that can make you very easily very bitter. Or worse. It is one of the key moments in your healing journey, where you can easily get stuck, and one of the hardest and most painful things to open up about. So let us talk about it.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about a very sobering moment in your healing journey that is sadly also reflected in real life. The question “Was it all for nothing?” is a deeply dark question that can make you very easily very bitter. Or worse. It is one of the key moments in your healing journey, where you can easily get stuck, and one of the hardest and most painful things to open up about. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:43]
There is this moment when the fog lifts and the situation becomes apparent. The huge pile of shards and debris is now all that remains and no one to take responsibility for it. The ones responsible are known, but they won’t do it. This is not right. You know this isn’t right and not how it is supposed to be. This is just plainly wrong. It goes against almost our entire sense of right and wrong. Yet it is still happening. Welcome to life. I was talking about the pile PTSD leaves in your life. Now some experience this during their earlier healing journey, when they realize how much was destroyed through the trauma in their life. Others fight through PTSD - or sometimes mid fight - realize that what they fought for no longer exists. Be it because too much time passed, the people changed or are no longer there, you changed - be it your priorities, passions, etc. -, it never existed and was an illusion in the first place or the like. It all of course depends on your individual situation. It is almost an impossible feeling to describe, to have fought so hard and sacrificed so much - to just have it all crumble to dust and you are left with NOTHING. We are going to get into two sides of this, first we will talk about being left with nothing and then trying to get justice.
Being left with nothing [2:33]
One side of it all is - that you put so much work, effort, pain, sacrifice and the like into something or someone, but either it isn’t appreciated or it still goes downhill. After all of this you are left with nothing. Maybe some ash in your hands. It took me quite a bit, but I don’t think that is how it is. Sometimes it is important to do something to just give it a chance to happen. You go on a date with the knowledge, it can really go either way. But it is the potential chance that drives you. You most likely fought so hard for something because you thought it would be worth fighting for. That didn’t change. And while you kept the fight alive there was opportunity there that wasn’t there otherwise. And that DID change things. Maybe not in the way you wanted or in the full extent which would have made it all right. But things changed and opportunities arose and people were affected. If not others - it did change you. It formed who you are and what you are willing to do. We usually can never say beforehand if the effort will be worth it - all we can do is to try our best. We can’t control other peoples actions - just our own. And if others don’t take the opportunity offered - than thats on them. You can’t control anybody. No matter how dire the situation or consequences are, all we can do is offer an opportunity. The others suffer the consequences for their decisions, so it is theirs to make. No matter how right or wrong we think them to be.
Trying to get justice [4:41]
Another side is the most natural response to demand the person or whoever responsible to take care of the mess that was created by them. Or at least feel like you are owed the help that was promised and/or you provided before that is now due to be repaid. Now in the best case scenario you will get these things, but most likely you won’t. And while you might be right with these things - demanding them will only hurt your finger and voice and exhaust you, but will do little else. This is why I don’t recommend that. I know how hard it is - I really do - when you are at rock bottom and you need to clean up this huge pile in front of you with barely any energy left. And it is a lot of work, but it is also really worth it. Which I know is the opposite you feel in that moment. Cleaning up the pile is a cleansing act that also gives you back control over your own life and how you are feeling. Also with every bit ground cleared new structures will arise - healthier and stronger structures that you shape if you clear the pile. Help is of course always appreciated and makes things easier, but sometimes that is just how it is. This might feel like the absolute rock bottom, but from experience and looking back, it was one of the first and most important steps to restoring myself. My better self. My true self. And yes - it is not your responsibility, you deserve better, it isn’t just, but it is the right thing to do. And exactly what you should do.
Outro [6:48]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 105 - Method exaplained: Introspection (used by EMDR)
In this episode we will talk about Introspection, one of the most useful tools you ever get in your life in general - not just for PTSD. It is the same base mechanic EMDR uses and helps you to process anything so much faster and more. So it is VERY useful. We talk first about how to get into it and then how to best use it in regards to PTSD.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about Introspection, one of the most useful tools you ever get in your life in general - not just for PTSD. It is the same base mechanic EMDR uses and helps you to process anything so much faster and more. So it is VERY useful. Most of the time it IS about utilizing the tools we have in the best way possible. We of course will cover only the basics unless there is want for more. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:49]
Now if you are thinking at the moment how you are supposed to wiggle a finger in front of yourself to achieve this affect, I have good news for you: The finger wiggling in front of the eyes is not really necessary as it is debated in studies - will link it in the description. It CAN be just as effective to fixate at a spot in the wall. Let us call it the introspection mode for now, as it, as far as I know, has no official name - and it is my favorite thing. As it can be used for so many things and is just so incredible useful. It is basically you disabling the world around you and letting your brain go into overtime, like it does at night, but in this mode you are controlling where it is heading. Meaning you can process anything. Work projects, trauma, daily problems, riddles and so on. Remember the whole ‘we are not using 100% of our brain?’, while not really accurate, this is the closest we get to actually using it. In this mode you can tackle and solve issues that are impossible to deal with regularly or just greatly speed up regularly solving. You can access also more memories and control over emotions. There are many, many ways to reach this mode and everyone had their own best way. We talk about that first and then how to best use it in regards to PTSD.
How do I get into introspection? [2:27]
So first, how do we get into the introspection mode? Like I said, it can be done in many ways. Focusing out on a wall, during a hobby that just keeps your hands busy, meditating of course, self hypnosis, daydreaming, the right music or whatever you can come up with. Now, how do you know you have reached that mode? Where you ever so gone, that someone hat to touch you or shout at you to make you ‘come back’? Like everything disappeared? Sounds, smells, the people around you and the like? That is basically it. Your goal is to disable the outside world as much as possible, while still having a foot in that door that keeps you connected and allows you control over it all, which is usually lacking during the same mode at night. So, you are basically sleeping while still awake. Taking care of stimuli from outside, especially seeing, but also smelling, keeping track of whats going on, takes a huge toll on our brain and costs a lot of energy and attention. Which we tune out to be able to REALLY focus on what we need to. It is sort of controlled daydreaming. Might be not so far off, as in daydreaming we also create scenarios and tune the world out. It is daydreaming with you taking charge of the direction. What is also very common is, that once you enter the mode, the thoughts and issues you suppress and distract you from will become louder and louder. As this is a working mode to get stuff done and it is perfect for that purpose.
How do I best use it for PTSD? [4:30]
Which leads us to the second point, about how to best use this mode for PTSD. As mentioned before, it increases your capacities, better emotional control, better memory access, your problem solving speed and allows you to tackle problems directly. Which is a huge benefit on its own. But it also lets us do things that are impossible otherwise: Visualize our problem, trauma and the like. Within seconds you can create scenarios to walk through your problem or… more importantly - through your trauma. Or trigger. Or where ever you are stuck. While you can summon scenarios, so to speak, - I usually recommend letting the brain create them and you going along. As it is usually goes to things that are already getting worked on and therefor most close to getting solved. It did the prep so to speak. It is showing you what it is showing you for a reason. And not showing you things also for a reason. Like everything you need to learn and get the hang of it. With experience you can pretty much hop in and out of it. It is a thing of balance. A sort of gliding and going with the flow. If you go down the wrong path you will go against the stream and disconnect. So if you are feeling you are slipping away - it might be because you are moving away from the issue and the scenario. Like I said - this episode is here to cover the absolute basics. I can do step by step tutorials or go by example. Just let me know if there is any interest for that.
Outro [6:30]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 106 - If that caused my PTSD why don't I feel strongly about it? (Trauma update)
In this episode we will talk about something that keeps popping up: If that caused my PTSD why don’t I feel strongly about it? This is a good question to ask. As this can lead you down a complete false path and severely sabotage your healing journey. We are looking into two variants of a small trauma activating the big one and then some ways to find the hidden trauma.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about something that keeps popping up: If that caused my PTSD why don’t I feel strongly about it? This is a good question to ask. As this can lead you down a complete false path and severely sabotage your healing journey. This is one of the things I skipped over when handling trauma and I thought it was about time we address it. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:38]
There are 2 options why you are feeling nothing really regarding a traumatic event that might have caused your PTSD. The first option is that you are too overwhelmed with the trauma and therefor your brain turned off emotions to protect itself. It is a VERY bad sign if you feel nothing regarding what happened. No matter what. That is usually the sign of suppressed emotions. What is ideal is feeling a sense of peace and calmness about it. But not NO emotions. As soon you start opening that topic you will get your emotions slowly and more and more. Thought that is not the topic of today, that is the second option: You feel nothing, because the event isn’t really responsible for your symptoms. There is this huge misconception that you have your traumatic event and then immediately you get PTSD symptoms. That depends on the trauma - the bigger the trauma structure the longer it takes for your brain to show symptoms. While simple events get almost an immediate reaction. Part of the reason is likely that by suppressing it - the brain tries to protect itself and prevent being overwhelmed. What most understand under PTSD - is just PTSD being active and showing strong symptoms. Be it because the brain decides to try to get rid of it or because it can’t hold it any longer. We are looking into two variants of a small trauma activating the big one and then some ways to find the hidden trauma.
Two variants of a trauma activating another [2:27]
We start with the first variant, where a small trauma activates the big trauma. In this case the trauma is unrelated to the big one, but it brought an overworked system to its knee and it all breaks loose. While the brain was so far successful in keeping the PTSD, in its hidden stage, under control - with the unexpected side trauma - it looses control and the old PTSD becomes active. These two can have absolute nothing to do with another. Even worse, the trauma that set this off might not even result in a PTSD as it is to minor and the brain can handle it by itself. So you might end up with PTSD symptoms - maybe even quite severe ones - but the event that caused them is no big deal - to you at least. Which of course leads you to search in the complete wrong place. Which is why therapist usually ask for anything in the past. Or it might be a less severe version of PTSD, which treatment will result in the old PTSD maybe getting hidden again. Or you might end up having successfully treated that one PTSD, but somehow still have these weird symptoms. Either way, that is the time one should really start looking for that old PTSD - as it is only a matter of time before it gets active again. In the second variant the case is similar, but this time the small trauma is in the same category as the old one. While this situation is extremely similar, it is so much harder to understand what is going on and to separate them. This can also lead a trauma to evolve a PTSD that without the old trauma wouldn’t have. As the old one makes you incredible vulnerable to that. And now you end up with having basically 2 PTSD active with similar trigger, nightmares and the like. Which now results in some treatments working somehow, some treatments work sometime and other mixed responses. But knowing you deal with multiple instead of one is already the key for success.
Looking for the hidden trauma [4:51]
So now to the question, how do I look for the one that is hidden underneath? A solid option is always the good old “why”. Asking why - and focusing on feelings not facts - until you get a strong emotional reaction. Sometimes that is crying or just a feeling of weights off your shoulder. As long as you keep getting emotional you are on the right way. Usually I find the best way to test that by speaking out loud. If your voice is clear and firm you are usually on the wrong path. Problems to speak and barely getting it out - is a sign for a strong emotional reaction. Another option is letting your mind wander. Is there a memory or a thought that keeps popping up in your head? That could be because it is an unresolved issue for the brain. Often it doesn’t seem like a big deal - but it is often just the tip of the iceberg. It is also worth remembering, that the body gets as much traumatized as the mind - an aspect that is often overlooked, but important to address. Otherwise the most important thing is to keep on going - no matter how fast or slow.
Outro [6:20]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 107 - Why some reactions are not triggers but Trauma behavior (Trigger update)
In this episode we will talk about trauma behavior, as it is often confused with triggers. And while they are at times annoying - they are not triggers nor are they are sign of bad health. A side effect of your experiences. But they do cause a lot of confusion, uncertainty and muddy the water. So let us talk about it.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about trauma behavior, as it is often confused with triggers. And while they are at times annoying - they are not triggers nor are they are sign of bad health. A side effect of your experiences. But they do cause a lot of confusion, uncertainty and muddy the water. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:36]
There are many things we take away from our traumatic experiences. Good and bad. Like I said before, if climbing a mountain changes you - so does the traumatic experience. Not all that we learn is bad, maybe unnecessary now, but not bad. For example, I learned to read people and their emotions - that is quite handy. ESPECIALLY for an autist. If the amount of harm you receive is depending on the mood of those around you - that is one of the things you pick up. While not needed anymore, I now use it to help others. Another example is - waking up after hearing unusual sounds. This can save your life or at least keep you from harm - unless it of course prevents you from sleeping. Most of these things or behavior we learned were useful, needed and the like for our survival. They were useful. Knowing who comes up the stairs is useful. Being able to pick up sounds a gun makes is useful. Getting a panic reaction or the like is not. In the best case scenarios those thing we learned give us an advantage in our lives in the worst case it makes things more difficult. We will talk about what trauma behavior is and then how we can unlearn it.
Trauma behavior [2:11]
I feel like the most important thing is to understand that trauma behavior has almost nothing to do with - what we refer to as - triggers. I understand where the confusion is coming from. Both are a reaction from the body to something that others don’t have. Though a trigger is usually panic, anxiety, shaking and/or the like. The reaction doesn’t make really sense NOR is it helpful. Contrary to trauma behavior, that makes sense and IS helpful - in the trauma situation at least - and for the brain at least. For example an immediate strong reaction to people who seem off is an extremely helpful reaction - as long the reaction doesn’t block you from participating in life. That is usually the gold standard: A behavior shouldn’t block you from living your life. There are also passive trauma behavior, but they are rarely an issue and would usually be called guts or instincts or something along those lines. Most likely you are not even aware you have it - which makes it usually a non issue. Some abilities have become pretty much useless. Like knowing who comes upstairs by the sound of the stairs. Not really needed anymore - nor really disrupting. These abilities were usually bought with sweat, blood, pain and/or suffering. That is why I really recommend to check, if you can’t change the behavior into something not blocking, but benefiting you. Often there is also the problem that something sets off the trigger AND the trauma behavior.
How slowly unlearn them [4:01]
Before we get into how we can unlearn those behaviors, I want to say that it is incredible hard - sometimes almost impossible - to unlearn something that the brain thinks is essential for its survival. The job of the brain is to make sure you survive.
So first of all you need patience. You are figuratively trying to convince a stubborn mule to move. You will need a lot of patience and it will take quite a while. I really recommend to not rush it.
Second it is important to understand why you are reacting this way and what causes it. When A happens I react with B. For example: When I hear a shout I duck to escape punishment. Because if you want to unlearn something, then you need to teach your brain to react differently to the thing and show that survival is not threatened by it. If you don’t understand what causes it or what the brain tries to prevent to happen - you can’t do that.
Third you need to be in a good state, as your brain in this mode is most willing to change and most likely to be capable to do so. If you are in great stress you are more likely to make things worse.
Fourth it is best if you take it slowly, if you can, be extremely aware of everything and go step by step what is happening. This way you have the greatest amount of control, awareness and time to change.
And fifth and last- check if you can redirect it or turn it into a useful behavior. It is easier to change the direction of the behavior than changing it completely.
Outro [6:04]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 108 - What is the problem and how should it be? (Therapeutic Abuse Update)
In this episode we will talk about therapeutic abuse again - this time about the why it is such a problem. Besides the obvious of course, that abuse in general is a problem. But this abuse is taboo, people don’t know what is right and wrong. The reason I picked this topic this time is a rather unusual one: I am going to be on the “live from America Podcast “ where we are going to talk about therapeutic abuse in the episode released next Tuesday on the 5th of October. You can listen to the podcast or watch the conversation on Youtube. I do not know what we will talk about exactly, but this topic in particular is very important and close to my heart. While we looked last time into 5 no-go practices, this time we talk about why it is so bad and how a therapy session should be like.
Topic: C-PTSD (instead of therapeutic abuse) and WARNING: I talk relatively at the start about what types of things were done to me.
Video https://youtu.be/8Q-wqXJQ9mI
Audio https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/live-from-america-podcast/id1159634513?mt=2
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about therapeutic abuse again - this time about the why it is such a problem. Besides the obvious of course, that abuse in general is a problem. But this abuse is taboo, people don’t know what is right and wrong. The reason I picked this topic this time is a rather unusual one: I am going to be on the “live from America Podcast “ where we are going to talk about therapeutic abuse in the episode released next Tuesday on the 5th of October. You can listen to the podcast or watch the conversation on Youtube. I do not know what we will talk about exactly, but this topic in particular is very important and close to my heart. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:57]
I stopped counting how many people approached me and shared very worrisome stories about their last therapist. IF they even seek out a new one. I read of loads of others who lost all hope and trust and… I really can’t blame them. It is SO hard to finally open up and make yourself vulnerable - and if you are then met with destructive behavior it can destroy the bridge that was just build. I can’t really blame anyone for not seeking out help after such an experience. If something does you more harm than good and you are already at your limit - it seems foolish to do the same mistake again. It is very wise to be very careful in this vulnerable state. I understand why you feel this way. I absolutely do. I still encourage people to still keep working on themselves, either by reading self help books, getting help from friends, learning about psychology, whatever helps. And maybe give it a shot again after all.
But if you do want to try again this information should be useful or maybe this will help you process your bad experiences better and help you heal. While we looked last time into 5 no-go practices, this time we talk about why it is so bad and how a therapy session should be like.
What makes it so bad? [2:29]
What makes it so bad? The patient - therapist relationship is a one sided power relationship. The therapist can deny the patient the treatment they need and especially if it is hard to get an appointment - this just increases the power imbalance. The therapist also gained the tools to potentially harm the vulnerable person incredibly. That is why trust is so crucial in this relationship. And the therapist should try to give the patient as much empowerment and time as he needs. Sadly this power position also attracts people who want power over other people. Those people also become counselors, priests, coaches, teachers, etc. Whatever they can use to mess with people and get away with it. And the more intimate and emotional and embarrassing the situation the more likely that the victim won’t speak out and they will get away with whatever they want to do. The more informed and self confidence a patient is, the less that is possible. That is why I think it is so crucial to know the basics - so you are better protected. Before we go into how the therapy should be - it should go without saying, that any form of harm towards you is unacceptable. Be is abuse, blackmail, financial abuse, break of the confidentiality or anything that harms you. That doesn’t just apply to therapist but to everyone in your life.
What SHOULD therapy be like? [4:08]
So what should therapy be like then? What are signs that my therapist has not my best interest at heart?
1. A therapist shouldn’t make you feel bad about yourself. He should encourage improvement and change, but shaming and talking down shouldn’t be used. Constructive criticism is okay, destroying or harming the other persons self worth is not.
2. A therapist shouldn’t take a position. He is there to counsel and advise you. He should not pick a side or tell you how to behave. But he might try to give you perspective of the others side thoughts and processes.
3. A therapist should be a save space where you can talk about everything freely - as long it doesn’t lead to harm of others. You should not have a reason to be afraid to bring up topics to your therapist.
4. A therapist must respect your boundaries. If you say no or you don’t want to do something - the therapist mustn’t overrule you. It is okay to ask again and see if the boundary is still in place - as a lot changes in therapy - but a no is a no.
5. A therapist should be empathic. While it is important to keep a distance for own protection as therapist, the emotions and emotional needs of our patients are relevant. They shouldn’t be dismissed or the like.
6. A therapist should foster independence. That means a better social circle, the patient getting the tools to deal with as much as possible on their own and encourage healthy habits.
As a general closing statement - a therapy should make you feel better over time and you should have the feeling you progressed - even if it just by a little. After all the purpose of a therapy is for you to get better. Whatever that means in your case.
Outro [6:35]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 109 - What should a good therapy look like to get rid of C-PTSD?
In this episode we will talk about a topic that came up during my time at “live from America Podcast “ last weekend, which turned from therapeutic abuse to a conversation about C-PTSD. We talked - VERY briefly - about what the therapy for PTSD should look like and I feel like I didn’t do it proper justice and wanted to explain it better, because I do think it is very important to clear things up. We first talk about what it should feel like, which type of therapy, then goals of therapy and finally what the base structure looks like.
Topic: C-PTSD (instead of therapeutic abuse) and WARNING: I talk relatively at the start about what types of things were done to me.
Video https://youtu.be/8Q-wqXJQ9mI
Audio https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/live-from-america-podcast/id1159634513?mt=2
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about a topic that came up during my time at “live from America Podcast “ last weekend, which turned from therapeutic abuse to a conversation about C-PTSD - which did surprise me. Links are in the description. We talked - VERY briefly - about what the therapy for PTSD should look like and I feel like I didn’t do it proper justice and wanted to explain it better, because I do think it is very important to clear things up. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:46]
We had a nice chat last Sunday and I really liked the interactivity and the questions I got, but I also felt like I didn’t have enough time or space to explain what I meant properly. The conversation was just too fast paced for that, but it was still very interesting. I hope I at least opened the conversation somewhat to talk about it more. I talked about non helpful therapies and when I was asked if there weren’t several therapy methods suited for different people I confirmed that. But also realized afterwards I properly didn’t do a good job in explaining what I meant with "they have to follow the same structure". And that I never really disclosed what a good therapy should look like or how it should feel like. It is hard enough to get therapy, but also there are many therapies and sadly not all of them are useful. Everyone has their own method that works best for them, so variety is good and needed - as long they also take you forward and aren’t a waste of time. We first talk about what it should feel like, which type of therapy, then goals of therapy and finally what the base structure looks like.
What should it feel like? [2:11]
What should it feel like? I think the most important thing is that you should feel better over a longer period of time - like a few weeks. You should feel more independent and more capable and more emotional stable. As a rule of thumb of course. See also last episode for a full list.The second most important thing is the “aha moment” - like the pieces are falling finally together. And suddenly things are starting to make sense - when you start seeing the light. You can also call it a light bulb moment.Things should also change as should the issue that plague you. If you feel like you keep going in circles or being stuck in the same issue, then something is clearly going wrong. I recommend a diary or a calendar or the like to keep a realistic track on your progress. The goal of a therapy should be, that you get there with an issue and leave with a solution or plan in mind - on average.
Which type of therapy? [3:19]
Now as mentioned before there are many types of therapy. We will ignore the fraudulent ones as they are never truly intended to work. But besides that it doesn’t matter if you talk, draw, dance, music, exercise or whatever. Any CAN be helpful. Doesn’t mean it will. Sometimes it is even wise to do multiple therapies at once to be able to get a grip on the situation. Therapies serve different needs. Some stabilize, some cure, some are just to keep you on track and so on. When you are are stuck - the pieces stop falling together and there is no progress - that is when you need new tools that the therapy should provide you with.
Goals of therapy? [4:09]
The end goal of the therapy or therapies should be that you can remove PTSD from your life - not just the symptoms. The WHOLE THING. Not getting numbed to it, not appeasing it- no its need to be removed. In the end. The therapy should also not try to change the facts, be it a death or a terrible thing that happened or so on, but just how you deal with it and your feelings regarding it. So you can live a life worth living for again. And not just survive. So it doesn’t matter if you go straight for the trauma or first stabilize yourself - the end goal is the same. The second option just has a few more steps along the way.
What should the base structure look like? [4:59]
Then what is the most basic base structure of the whole thing? It’s the same structure for trauma or trigger or actually almost anything.
Step 1: Stabilizing: Heal yourself so you can halfway stand again. Your options are limited if you’re not even standing.
Step 2: Stockpile: Gather energy and resources and heal yourself to the extent that you can go into the offensive. Meaning tackling the issues.
Step 3: Go for the core. Follow the trail and hints you have (most of the time from the brain) until you find the core or reason of it all and resolve it.
Step 4: Go for the supporters. The core is usually never alone - hence the core - so now go after all the things that followed the core or a connected to it. Be throughout or a new core regrows.
Step 5: Rinse and repeat until all is done.
Once again I want to repeat: Doing it the first time is the hardest part of it all. Once you realized you can do it… it changes everything. But the first one is so hard and usually takes a lot of time.
Outro [6:26]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 110 - Why is feeling nothing not a good thing? (Trauma update)
In this episode we will talk about once again about feeling nothing regarding a trauma, but this time we talk about what was hinted on before: Why feeling nothing regarding what happened to you is actually a very bad sign. And since so many ignore it and suffer because of that - it is time we cover it. First we will talk and explain the mechanism and then what you can do and a short “how to start” at the end.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about once again about feeling nothing regarding a trauma, but this time we talk about what was hinted on before: Why feeling nothing regarding what happened to you is actually a very bad sign. And since so many ignore it and suffer because of that - it is time we cover it. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:38]
We crossed the path of this topic quite a few times in others topics, but never really covered it - despite it being so central. So many dismiss their resting PTSD because of this statement “I am fine, I don’t feel anything regarding this event”. Which is like saying “I don’t hear the engine sounds anymore over the alarm sounds - so it should be fine”. It is often accompanied by an explanation why it wasn’t so bad or pointing towards good aspects of it. Though I assume that most will feel that something is off. Likely it will keep popping up and there should be something feeling … “off”… about it. But since there is apparently nothing one can do - it is shrugged off and pushed aside again. I think deep down people know that something is off with what happened, but also don’t know really what to do in this situation. And that is what we are going to get into today. First we will talk and explain the mechanism and then what you can do and a short “how to start” at the end.
Explaining the mechanism [2:01]
As I said before, the complete lack of emotions is extremely bad - the opposite of feeling at ease or relaxed about something. Not feeling anything regarding something is a sign, that the brain thought that it was so impactful that it turned off the emotions. So to speak. This is basically a last ditch effort of the brain to prevent significant damage. Because it deemed the emotions and feelings regarding this event for too intense. This is a very useful mechanism, that will help you avoid dealing with things too early. If you deal with your bad experience too early, before you are ready (Step 1 and 2 of last episode - stabilize and stockpile) it can backfire and increase your trauma and do significant damage to you. Patience has its virtue - once again. This mechanism is especially helpful for conflict situation, the brain contained the traumatic event so you are still able to survive or get away from the conflict. Otherwise you would be paralyzed in the worst time possible. A fight with a tiger for example. If the full emotional load of that moment would be there when you get surprised by one - you would be most likely not able to act. Only later in safety will the full extent of the danger, threat and where it could have ended - become aware to you.
What can you do? [3:43]
So what can you do? The first and most important thing is to take it seriously. As otherwise you risk it harming you in the worst possible way. One should at least keep an eye on it and also watch for changes. Second - it is wise to check yourself. Why haven’t you dealt with it yet? Could it be, because you haven’t really taken care of yourself and your needs? Or did you more survive on the bare minimum? Taking good care of oneself is important and essential. Third, is there something that could keep it being an ongoing issue? Maybe the person involved is still in your life? It is very hard to resolve a trauma that is still ongoing or kept active by things or those around you. Is there a way for you to avoid that? Fourth, do you want to deal with it, but don’t know how to start? That is the point that is most difficult to give instructions to. The key is to identify what was wrong going on and then find the tools needed to start.
How to start? [4:59]
So - how to start? Sometimes it is just not the right time, as you might be in a stressful position right now, but the sleeping trauma can get active in the worst possible moment. So it is wise to head this way as soon as you can. Usually becoming aware is the way to start the process and you looking for answer for this question is a sign that you are now ready to deal with it. Pay attention to the signal of your body and take care of your own needs. The rest usual takes it own course - as your body often gives you the hints and instructions you need. Like a sudden urge to watch a movie, listen to a specific song and so on. It might also be helpful to find inspiration form new sources - be it movies, songs, speeches or whatever helps. Taking a step back, to take a deep breath and listen inside - is the best course of action in my experience.
Outro [6:10]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 111 - Finding yourself at the bottom again (Shame update)
In this episode we will talk about finding yourself at the bottom again where you never wanted to be again and the shame that is usually part of it and the reluctance to get help in that moment. That is why we first talk about why it is so hard and then things that might help to get out of there.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about finding yourself at the bottom again where you never wanted to be again and the shame that is usually part of it and the reluctance to get help in that moment. Since it is so important to break the silence - let us talk about it. Though first I would like to apologize for the extreme delay and the rather unstable release schedule lately - sadly my health hasn’t been too good lately. I hope things get better soon.
Prelude [0:47]
We have all been there before - even though most would not like to admit it. That moment when you realize - you slided back and now are in the place again you really didn’t want to be again. Be it getting something of the substance you tried to get away from or the old habit you tried to stop or - fitting for this podcast - getting strong symptoms again despite doing so great. There are so many examples of this. The kind of dark spot we end up varies greatly between those examples. Slipping back into an old habit is for sure way more harmless and less severe than ending up with the addicted substance again. The thing they have in common is the incredible shame. The shame we feel and that makes us likely to lie and not ask for help - because we feel so embarrassed and feel that no one should hear about it or see us like this. We are better than this. This is not us. It is so hard - so incredible hard to pull yourself out of this spot. So I try to help today to make it a bit easier. That is why we first talk about why it is so hard and then things that might help to get out of there.
Why it is so hard [2:17]
So, why is it so hard? I hope no one of you is in this dark spot - where everything seems hopeless and you feel like your efforts were for nothing. You might even have doubts if success is even possible - for you at least. The hope that we might made it - is shattered. Which is sadly all a symptom of us not being well - we don’t see it balanced. We see it as the proof or the indicator for what we fear deep down inside - that we are doomed. But that is the view of fear that we let cloud our judgment. If all was going rather well so far and made progress - isn’t it the proof that we are succeeding? That it is nothing more than a setback? Maybe it is an indication we took the wrong turn and need to change how we went on solving the issue. But that doesn’t make the case hopeless nor dooms us. Yet even if we know this rationally it is hard to find in these thoughts comfort. It is likely because this is a purely existential fear and deep rooted survival instincts. Also the deep rooted fear of being cast out.Be a disgrace and an outcast. That if others knew of it, they would be disgusted and leave us - even if we deep down know this won’t be the case. It is very hard to reason with any of that.
What can be done [4:01]
So what can be done instead? First off, this has - most likely - nothing to do with your intelligence, moral, discipline, self worth and the like. It really happens to everyone. ESPECIALLY during your healing journey from PTSD. It happened to me a few times. And I know of others it happens to. This comes from our desire to find happiness and peace and be finally healthy again. We all just want to get home, kick off the shoes and relax on a comfortable chair in the warmth. The good place. Not the harsh cold wilderness of getting better. So sometimes we are a bit premature - we feel the slight warmth and kick our shoes away - despite still being in the cold outside. Which naturally leads to you getting worse again. So one of the most important advice is, that if you feel better than you should just keep the pace. But that is more of a precaution. That doesn’t help you when you are in the thick of it.
In the thick of it [5:17]
Then the most important step is to forgive yourself. That might come as a surprise, but it is truly one of the most helpful steps you can take. And it is one of the hardest. Forgiving yourself is hard. You took a wrong step, that can happen to everyone - beating yourself up about it won’t help nor is it not normal. The more you accept that and let go of the self punishment - the faster you move on from this.
Second is to let go of the things you think you should and shouldn’t do and go about doing the things you CAN do. It is best to slow it down and try taking it step by step. As you are once again caught in the storm - so it is best to pace yourself and tread carefully.
Third - reach out. I know you most likely won’t feel like talking in this situation. But social interactions are important to us - especially in situations like these. Doesn’t have to be about the situation… maybe just exchange a few jokes. Whatever helps.
Fourth - find a place to recover. That can be a game, a book, movies, music or whatever. Somewhere you can forget your situation for a bit and regain your strength and energy. You are not a machine after all.
Outro [6:59]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 112 - How your living environment affects you (Shame)
In this episode we will talk about how your living environment affects you. We talked last week about finding yourself at the bottom again - which is often reflected by our surrounding. Especially our place where we live. And often at rock bottom… is it most likely a mess. Which is why we first talk about how this feedback can turn into a trap and then what you can do about it - be it by yourself or with help from others.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about how your living environment affects you - a topic I only slighted brushed over in the last episode, as it also belongs there. This topic though is big enough on its own - so we can fully focus on it. So let us talk about it. I once again apologize for the delay, it is sadly out of my control - but at least there are strong signs that it is looking better. So I hope for the best.
Prelude [0:43]
We talked last week about finding yourself at the bottom again - which is often reflected by our surrounding. Especially our place where we live. And often at rock bottom… is it most likely a mess. Similar to a lot of different things - our place of living is a reflection of us. It basically is a reflection who you are and in what state you are in. Generally speaking of course. It is also one of the earliest ways your brain signals you that something is wrong. The topic of the effect of our home on us would go beyond one episode. But to keep things simple: Our place is a representation of us. Or in some cases how we want to be viewed. If you are in conflict with your own place - then something should probably change. We decorate the place to increase our happiness and to take care of ourselves. Improving our home is sort of an act of self care. Beauty gives our brain happiness - though to each their own. Similar how a messy surrounding might bother us. Or not. Why is important. So look around… and what do you see? The feedback can be helpful, it shows us if we are sad, loosing control, have it all together, went a bit over our head, not sure what we want and so on. Within limitations of course. It can also be twisted to be harmful. Which is why we first talk about how this feedback can turn into a trap and then what you can do about it - be it by yourself or with help from others.
When the environment feedback turns into a trap [2:38]
The feedback from the environment can also turn into a trap. Either causing a depression or the depression using the environment against us or the like. Whatever it is - it can twist the rather useful and positive feature to a punishment. Suddenly it reflects our worth and who we truly are. And it makes the mess or chaos or whatever is wrong bigger out than it is meant to be. Usually - realistically speaking - the problems in our environment can be fixed in a few hours to a few days. Depending how much productive time we can use. So from a neutral point of view that is hardly a challenge. And most definitely not an unbeatable hill. Yes, it might take time and longer than you first thought - but it is still very doable. So it is clearly not the work that is stopping you, but your brain. And this is now maybe in a very destructive loop or viscous circle. You are depressed and can’t clean up your surrounding - the messy surrounding makes you depressed. Which means you can do even less… - and so on. A messy environment can drain your energy and make doing basic things - like cooking for example - even harder. And so the pile grows bigger and bigger. A truly viscous circle affecting many things.
What can be done? Inside vs outside help [4:11]
So, what can be done? Being aware of this - is one of the most important steps and can be such a help and relieve. Getting help from others is always great, but just not always a realistic option. We go now through what others, either and you can do.
Others: They can help clean up your environment or help support you with it. Be it getting stuff you need to clean up, be there to talk, be supportive in a cheerleader way or whatever helps. The help is incredible helpful - no matter if physical or not.
Either: What either can do is remove you from the environment for a bit for a chance of a reset. That can be via conversation, a short trip or taking a holiday. That can all be done with the help of other or by yourself. Decorating to lift the spirit is great too.
You: The most important thing you can do is SLOW DOWN and recover. Make a priority list with what HAS to be done. Then try to focus on a few things if you can. But focus primarily on gathering energy and recovery.
And in all cases create a happy corner for yourself. Be it with help of music, videos, reading, fandom, friends, community of whatever kind or just that brings you happiness. Doesn’t have to be literally a corner. Just a happy corner in your life you can retreat to. Which is one of the most important things to have to get through life in general. Which is why I mention it rather a lot.Preferable are multiple sources of happy corners - in case one gets tainted. But that is another topic for another time.
Outro [6:21]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 113 - Starting point tutorial for loss (Trigger core)
In this episode we will talk about something else a bit - we are going through the first steps you can take to find the trigger core and the root of the problem. I try to make it a sort of starting point tutorial. I thought loss was an universal known topic to everyone - so a good start. We start with the why questions regarding missing then with what if questions.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about something else a bit - we are going through the first steps you can take to find the trigger core and the root of the problem. I try to make it a sort of starting point tutorial. It is this time about loss, but if there is interest in more - I can make them to almost any topic. I thought loss was an universal known topic to everyone - so a good start. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:42]
I usually tell people to follow the trigger and let it lead you to the core with ‘why’ questions. But I also understand that this can be a bit of a vague instructions for those who have never done anything the like. Nor did I know how to really describe it differently. So this is an attempt to give a more practical instructions to the topic. The topic of loss doesn’t have to be a person, it can also be a dream, a pet, a way of living, a relationship and so much more. These losses vary in size of course - but are losses nonetheless. I will in this example focus on someone that was lost. The questions I ask might apply to you or not - they are meant to be a guideline - as I don’t know your situation in particular and have to throw a rather wide net. Nonetheless I hope you can see what I am going for and if it is asked for - I will do it again for other topics or try to go deeper. But now lets start the questioning. We start with the why questions regarding missing then with what if questions.
Why are you missing this person? [2:03]
And the first question is: “Why are you missing this person?” - now to be clear I am not questioning that it is the right thing. I am asking you why - because I want you to give me reasons. I want you to list me all the things you are going to miss. And I mean ALL the things. Why, because he no longer greets you? Why, because you won’t be able to play anymore together? Why, because you couldn’t tell him things you wanted to tell him? Why, because you didn’t do things you said you would? Why, because you didn’t do thing you wanted to do for ages? Why, because you can no longer ask him for his opinion? Why, because of what could have been? Why is important. If you have trouble keeping track - write it down. And as always you can say it out loud and hear in your own voice if that is something that is truly bothering you. Most likely it will be many, many things. Loss is a trauma - and like any trauma consists of many small things and isn’t just one big thing. It is important to find as many as possible - best if all are found. As they usually don’t just disappear.
What if… I could change what happened? [3:28]
Then there is another side. The side of wondering what could have been done. All these “what if”-questions. What if I had been there earlier. What if I had picked up the phone. What if hadn’t made that one mistake. There is no real point in what if questions - as we don’t know what would have happened and if the alternative is what we would have wanted. Also what happened has happened - there is no changing it. You can only move forward. But that is often easier said than done. Once again the right question to ask is why. Why do I feel like, it is my responsibility? Why do I feel like, I could have changed what happened? Once again it is not about justifying yourself. You are not in front of a judge. It is to find the deep pain within you. The thorn we need to pull out. The more you explain and explore the reasons - the more likely you will find what still left of the trauma and what binds you to it. In my experience - best way to get rid of “what if” questions is - to realize why you are asking them. Even though most of the time the answers won’t be a surprise. Acknowledging is usually enough to remove the trigger or trauma part. Or the what if questions.
Closing words [5:01]
This is just a starting point as it just spirals way to far after that for me to make a universal tutorial - or at least I see it like that at this moment. I can only recommend to keep asking why until the tears come. When the feeling of relief follows after a short time you found it. If not you almost found it and just need to poke around some more. You will find quite a lot of them. There is also no reason to rush it. Move at your own pace. If others express concern it might be wise to see if there is a point to what they are saying. No one gets to decide what happens when - besides you. Other people don’t get a voting right. The important thing is to just keep moving. No matter how slow. Step by step. That is how you reach any goal. Step by step.
Outro [6:08]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 114 - A letter for Christmas (with a side note about struggling)
Hello my dears,
Another year has gone by and it feels like barely any time passed and the whole world changed at the same time.
This is the darkest time of the year - for the northern hemisphere at least. For many this is also the most joyous time of the year - the food, the lights, the celebrations or whatever makes the holiday season special for them.
But many of who are struggling, be it PTSD or something else, find it often to be the hardest time of the year.
Not only is there the long darkness and missing daylight, but also the strong contrast between those celebrations and their day to day struggle. And it is completely normal to struggle especially during this time - it is completely normal and many are affected by it. This is sadly one of those times, where it is best to just sit back a bit more. Not a wise thing to try to swim against the current.
And it will pass - as is always does.
But the holiday season can also be the perfect time to take care of yourself a bit.
I hope you can take the time and treat yourself with something. Doesn’t have to be big - maybe some chocolate? A good meal would be nice. Maybe go somewhere nice you haven’t been to for a while? Play a bit? I always enjoy the light decorations.
Whatever makes you feel better and you can do.
Hope you all are doing well.
I wish you a happy holiday season and a good slide into the next year - as we say here.
Take care and watch yourselves
Johanna
Episode 115 - Lagging behind others (Shame)
In this episode we will talk about a topic that might came up during the holidays: Lagging behind everyone else. It is hard to not compare oneself with the others. Even if we know better than to do that. The heart gets heavy and we are often reminded, that we are behind in our plans. ometimes it seems like the others are running past you and you just seem not to get into gear. Nothing anyone likes to really talk about - it is rather embarrassing and quite a lot of shame involved. So let us break the ice. First we talk about the lopsided comparison, then falling behind according to whom and then the best way to compare yourself.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about a topic that might came up during the holidays: Lagging behind everyone else. This can lead to depression, slowing things even more down and generally nothing good. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:30]
This is a scene - I think - many are familiar with: Everyone around you is telling about their latest life achievements: Be it buying an house or car or getting engaged or a new job or pregnant or the like. If not in real life - then in movies… And you?… You managed… to do the dishes regularly? … To be fair - depending on your state and the severeness of your PTSD symptoms - this can be a low, realistic, high or unreachable goal. It is only human to not feel proud in this moment. Doesn’t matter if the others meant to brag or not or whatever. It is hard to not compare oneself with the others. Even if we know better than to do that. The heart gets heavy and we are often reminded, that we are behind in our plans. We wanted to be so much farther ahead in our lives. Plans are still plans who were supposed to be done and dusted since quite a while. And the others seem to be SO far ahead - while they once were just where you were. Sometimes it seems like the others are running past you and you just seem not to get into gear. Nothing anyone likes to really talk about - it is rather embarrassing and quite a lot of shame involved. So let us break the ice. First we talk about the lopsided comparison, then falling behind according to whom and then the best way to compare yourself.
Lopsided comparison [2:18]
As I just hinted a moment ago: The comparison is lopsided. First off, it is generally unwise to compare yourself with other people. You never get even remotely a full picture of their life. Think of the image other people have of your life. Even your deeply trusted friends who have a very good picture will still only see a fraction of it. It is basically impossible to fully see another life. You see glimpses and those are hardly a good way to compare lives. Especially with social media it is easy to fall for the happy pictures and assume it is like that most of the time - despite the other majority most likely not being so. It is not like people easily show their bad times or their flaws publicly. That would show their vulnerability to the world - which is not a wise thing to do in general. So we are surrounded by apparently happy people. We can fake it ourselves. But we know how our live truly looks like. It is hard to fake it to yourself.
Falling behind - According to whom? [3:38]
Often the feeling of falling behind comes from outside perspectives about when what is supposed to happen. Or when others want things to happen. But those things are more guidelines and trying to follow them tightly often leads only to more stress and exhaustion. It is important to ask: Why am I doing this? This must be done according to whom? Why do I need to do this? We live in a society, which means interacting with it. But it can also lead us being controlled by the will and opinions of others. It’s your life, your time line, your choices. You are the one that has to live with the consequences of your choices. And since that is the case, it is you who decides those choices. It is one of the most important human rights. To be able to choose.
The best way to compare yourself [4:46]
So since we can’t really judge other peoples lives by what we see, how about we instead focus on comparing the life we truly know about? Our own. The only thing you can truly compare yourself is your past self - as it has the biggest similarities to you at the moment. Even if you changed drastically in the recent years - or your life. It is difficult to feel change if you are going with the flow. Old notes or texts can give an insight about how much has changed. But the comparison doesn’t just have to refer to your past self. How do you want your future to look like? Where do you want to go from here? Given the complications and how hard PTSD makes your life - it might be important to take it step by step and day by day, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t plan ahead. Not set in stone of course or as a strict time plan, but more a goal to move towards. For me it was first to suffer less pain and then to be able to do more. Nothing big, just something of a way pointer that showed me roughly in which direction to head. If you are in a better position, then what do you want to change about yourself? What is a goal that could wait for you on the horizon? Best is of course a milestone one can measure, as otherwise you might have a situation of moving goalposts. Nonetheless it might be just good to have one - to have a direction to head for. A goal that is worth fighting for and leads you where you want to end up eventually.
Outro [6:52]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 116 - New years resolutions or how to make change last
In this episode we will talk about kind of one of the things that keep popping up every new year: New years resolutions. Or more precisely we talk about how to make change last. We first get into why people with PTSD struggle to make change happen and then how to make it work.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about kind of one of the things that keep popping up every new year: New years resolutions. Or more precisely we talk about how to make change last. A bit delayed, as many might have already abandoned their resolutions. Nonetheless, it is something relevant all year round. Especially for people suffering from PTSD that try to make lasting changes in their life happen and are struggling. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:46]
We talked about the reason behind this quite a few times. We talked why it is necessary and important for us to change and why it is so hard. Our brains reject any form of change, because it means risking our survival - in our brains opinion at least. So the default position of the brain is always trying to revert back changes that were done and return to status quo - or even more in the opposite direction. Even if that thing is ACTUALLY killing us. Our brain simply has its limits after all. And it is very, very stubborn. Which is most of the time a good thing - as this is what keeps us alive and makes a lot of impossible things possible. It is quite important to not be too hard on oneself and not try to force to make it happen. But we never talked about how to make the change happen in our every day life and not just about the illness itself. Despite it obviously being very important for your healing journey and living a better life. We first get into why people with PTSD struggle to make change happen and then how to make it work.
Why people with PTSD struggle to make change happen [2:14]
We talked about changing PTSD itself in the past, but not really why it is so hard. That has a lot to do with how change happens. Often we decide to do something - but the difficulties usually start when it is about transforming them into action and lasting habits. Now the example I am going to go with is a library. You making a choice regarding changing book genre sections is quite easily made. Science Fiction becomes the kids section and vice versa. You might needed a while to figure it out, but you made your choice. You are now ready to move on, but your brain now needs to carry each book and sort them in the new place. Depending on the size of the affected sections - this takes a very, very long time. The amount of workers available depending on stress, energy and the like. So while you are thinking what to do next or making plans - your workers (aka the brain) is extremely busy and pretty exhausted - and won’t respond well or fast to any further instructions. If the process has truly started it can’t be stopped. The same thing applies slightly differently if we learn something new, it is the brain that is sorting in the new section. Though in this case it would be more a rearranging and reordering of an existing section. So if you have trouble thinking and often feel a bit foggy in the head - it might be because your brain is actually really hard at work. Which is why it is so important to give the brain the time, space and energy it needs.
How to make it work [4:18]
With that explained we focus on the second question: How to make it work? We are keeping it - as usual - as simple and short as we can. Now having talked about where the problem lies, this will make more sense. Since we just established how consuming and exhausting the process is - the how will seem much more obvious: Don’t try to change several things at the same time. That has the highest chance of not going to work. Instead rather create a list and go step by step. Though now the tricky thing is to know when to move on to the next point - because otherwise you risk trying to change multiple things again. I also recommend a short break in between those either way. Your poor brain workers do deserve a day off now and then. Avoiding - if possible - anything that require your attention or concentration. But one way to make sure you DON’T overlap is to wait until the change is now routine - best even if its established routine. Because then the brains mechanism work in our favor again. As now our brain will now try to keep the routine alive and will complain if you do not follow it. Because that would lead to change and that would be bad. Things get so much easier once they are a routine for that reason. Once again simple, but a lot harder to do. As always: Be patient, take your time and take good care of yourself.
Outro [6:07]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 117 - You just do (not) get over something like that
In this episode we will talk about the statement “you just don’t get over something like that” - as I keep running into it and which causes so much harm and can lead to the worst outcomes. It is a topic very close to my heart and connected to this podcast. Therefore it is important we take some time and question this statement - which is long overdue. First we talk about how we reach this sentiment, where it can lead to and then what can help.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the statement “you just don’t get over something like that” - as I keep running into it and which causes so much harm and can lead to the worst outcomes. It is a topic very close to my heart and connected to this podcast. Therefore it is important we take some time and question this statement - which is long overdue. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:40]
As many know I started this podcast to show others that there is a way to be cured - to leave the house that is on fire - to use the metaphor I used. And that was all it was once supposed to be - showing there is a way out and that is that. Because the thing that almost killed me - and I didn’t dare to refute - was this very statement. It is impossible, it is too big and so you don’t even need to bother trying. And I didn’t. How could I? Everyone said it can’t be done. At least not until I was weeks away from certain death that I- in complete desperation - just flung something at this big end time like monster and it somehow struck something and caused it to back off. Which I honestly didn’t expect. It was one of these acts of desperation you see in comics or so, where the clearly underpowered side character strikes at the big baddie and gets just squadded aside afterwards. Just that it worked. Much to my utter shock and surprise. With that a long journey started, but that was the crucial first step - that made the journey even possible in the first place. First we talk about how we reach this sentiment, where it can lead to and then what can help.
How we reach this sentiment [2:10]
I just want to preface, that I completely and absolutely understand why people think that. I did - as mentioned - believed it strongly myself. How could you not? What happened is so big, so dark, indescribable and unlike anything before. How can anyone believe they are a match for that? Nothing you seem to do works against it. How often do you have to try to open a locked door until you stop trying? It is the logical thing and in some way it is insane to even try so often to open it. Like I said in earlier podcasts, it is like the enemy is hiding in the shadows, untouchable and striking again and again to bring you to your knees. It is the absolute logical and human thing to see this is going nowhere. And to stop wasting energy. Especially since our energy becomes are more and more precious resource the longer PTSD lasts.
Where can it lead to? [3:16]
Now if that wasn’t bad enough - the attacks out of nowhere and the feeling of defenseless and so on - but it can lead to much worse. There is a good reason we fight against such instances, we are aware of the importance and the danger that comes with it. First of all, there is the depression. Feeling like you can’t do anything - really can lead to depression or the like. If there is no way avoiding what will happen,why not give up and just surrender? Depression is the way of nature to respond to that. But for me the worst part is definitely, that it makes getting healed or cured basically impossible. If you declare the trauma untouchable - how are you supposed to work on it? And the trauma just grows with time - even with the best help. People cope for a while, but the pile gets bigger and bigger until there is no space left. Believing this sentiment is giving up. As much it is understandable - the harmful effects remain.
What can help? [4:32]
So what can be done? Are you supposed to ram the door until it opens? No, that would be indeed a futile attempt. Your impressions on that end were correct. This is unlike anything you ever encounter. Likely that there aren’t even words to describe what happened. Nothing compares to it. That is accurate - and also means we have to use a different strategy to deal with it. A different approach and mindset are required. For the trick is… there is a door - it is just hidden. While before you could just see the door and knew where to go and what you had to do. Now you need to check all the walls and see if anything gives in and careful see if any of them aren’t as solid as the other. And keep doing this until you made a path yourself. As this time the brain doesn’t have a premade strategy or path available for you. You have to shape it yourself. And for a beginner that means, that if you can’t target the trauma head on - try to look around for things that accompany it. For example: The feeling of dread you felt - focus on it and learn to process it. What else can you plug away from this big bad thing? What side things, emotions can you plug away from it and take care of? Bit by bit, step by step - this is the way. This can be a whole episode on its own if you want it to be.But for now all that is important is, that it can be done and that there is a way.
Outro [6:26]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 118 - You just do (not) get over something like that II - Dismantling
In this episode we will talk about what I hinted at last time and as requested - we will go more into detail and talk about dismantling these sort of traumas. The method or tool is - of course - also helpful for any other trauma or situation. It is crucial and can be a game/life changer. So first we will talk about the structure of trauma, then going against the outer defenses and then working towards the core.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about what I hinted at last time and as requested - we will go more into detail and talk about dismantling these sort of traumas. We simply call it dismantling for now. The method or tool is - of course - also helpful for any other trauma or situation. It is crucial and can be a game/life changer. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:38]
To give a short recap of the last episode: Some traumas seem impossible to process. They seem so different, sometimes even indescribable and despite the effort - there seems no path to take. I then explained that unlike before you have to shape the path yourself. Which is exactly what we will talk about in this episode. We HAVE to use this method because unlike in all those other times - we can’t just ignore the defense mechanism of the trauma. Most of the time, even IF we can’t ignore the defense mechanism - at least we can overcome them with time and effort. With these traumas that is not an option. They are a league of their own. But like the Maginot line - we go around. So we have to dismantle not just the defense mechanism - but the whole trauma. We need to understand the parts it consists of, how they are connected and so on. So first we will talk about the structure of trauma, then going against the outer defenses and then working towards the core.
The structure of trauma [1:51]
Now we talked about the base structure before - the shape they have. But that is only the shape of the core of the original trauma. With time that thing grows and grows. Best way to imagine it - in my opinion - is like a stone rolling down a snow slope. It gets bigger and bigger with each new layer of snow - the little stone can become a house sized snow ball. I am sure you have seen it in comics or animation - if not it can be found easily. It is for me really a perfect symbolization. Unless you immediately deal with your trauma you will end up with a huge snow ball. Size depending on how much later it is. And we have to now reverse this effect by start by taking out the outer layer. Basically reverting the process to the start. Sometimes you can skip this and just dive into the ball and take the stone out. But if it is like what we are talking about - then it isn’t just soft snow, but a lot of branches, other stones and so on. So - you have to be careful. You can visualize the structure of this PTSD by cutting the snow ball in half. The middle - or the core - is the original trauma the PTSD build itself around. The closer to the core - the more compressed and therefor harder the snow is.
Going against the outer defenses [3:27]
Like I said, we work ourselves back. The first thing we should aim at is therefor not the core - as we can’t reach it at the moment - but the outer defenses. Which usually starts with dealing with the most recent thoughts, events, triggers, etc that happened. Which should be relatively easy, as they hadn’t the time to harden and drag even more with it. It is key to stay in the moment. For example - It is best not to go “I couldn’t say yes, because I feared the trauma would happen again”. A hard to overcome defense. Because now you are at the core again, which - at the moment - is out of reach. It is better to say “I couldn’t say yes, because I was worried” and then trying to empathize with yourself. Reflect, forgive, improve or whatever is needed to take care of it. The “why” questions remains useful - as is answering with emotions - not with facts. This way you process and resolve what happened. Step by step - as usual. It will be faster with each time. You can also use this method to keep an active trauma in check, but for now we focus to use it to work yourself to the core.
Working towards the core - don’t be negligent [4:54]
While working towards the core the biggest enemy you face is patience. You see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you are not careful and pace yourself, then that light is a train. It is very wise to take a short break between each point. The more you move the harder it will get. Because the simple things of the outer layers can easily be washed away, but what is buried below is usually the kind of thing that isn’t easily put aside. And the longer we go back - the more likely it is to be hard. But since we work ourselves from the more simpler parts to the harder ones - we are able to learn and improve and increase our skill in dealing with these things. Once the brain learned something after all, it usually remembers it and can apply it itself often. This method has 2 advantages for that reason: 1. The whole topic shrinks in size and becomes less imposing and impossible - and 2. you learn the skills and tools and you are better prepared for other traumas or future traumas. This is how you dismantle a difficult trauma. Difficult trauma cores are usually a topic of itself and depending on the trauma topic. So if you want to cover any particular ones - please let me know.
Outro [6:27]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 119 - Intermission: Dealing with hopelessness, helplessness, despair, suffering and anger (Ukraine Conflict)
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears,
My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
This episode will be something a bit different and we will talk about dealing with hopelessness, helplessness, despair, suffering and anger - in light of the Ukraine Conflict sadly.
I had a complete different episode planned, but recent events can’t be ignored and I apologize for my voice in advance.
Prelude: The recent situation [0:34]
I will keep it brief, but before we start I want to make clear: The invasion of Ukraine is unacceptable and using the playbook of the Nazis just adds insult to injury. We Germans have a heritage and I take it rather seriously.
It has been a very long time since a conflict has been this clearly black and white. Though I do want to clearly separate between the Russian government and its brave people - who protests despite being arrested and the threat to their lives.
I hope for the best.
With that being said - let us talk about the emotions as we enter a new age with these events. Lets talk about dealing with the hopelessness, helplessness, despair, suffering and anger - not only regarding this particular conflict.
What we can do [1:34]
It is very hard not to feel these emotions in regarding such pictures, atrocities and all the suffering that is happening. It can be like a huge wave threatening to wash away everything and all - including yourself.
That is the reason why it is so important to have a little island - a small refuge that stands against the tide. That island is your surrounding, the thing you can achieve and sadly the acceptance, that we can only do what we can do.
Sometimes it is important to see the big picture, but in situation like these it is crucial to focus on the small picture. We can’t change the world, but we can change the world of tomorrow. Even if it is by the slightest of margin.
The world is a huge weight on ones shoulder - one even superman struggles with. There are just too many. At least for one person. But the more people work for a bettering of the world - the better the world of tomorrow looks like.
The best way to combat it is to focus on what you CAN do. The pile of the world is too big for one person - which means we have to pull out something we can help with and hope that others will pick up the other pieces.
It remains a group project - with all its up and down. So focus on what you can do and keep pushing to see how much you can do. That is the best thing we can do. One step at a time.
Outro [3:17]
That was it for todays episode. Please help if you can.
Episode 120 - Am I moving forward or am I stuck?
In this episode we will talk about moving forward in your healing journey - or how to know if you are or not. As in “Am I slowing down because I need to or am I just lazy?” That is a good question that likely many asked themselves - including me.
Since pacing and managing your energy is such a crucial point - it is important that we know.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about moving forward in your healing journey - or how to know if you are or not. As in “Am I slowing down because I need to or am I just lazy?” That is a good question that likely many asked themselves - including me. Since pacing and managing your energy is such a crucial point - it is important that we know. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:40]
I usually say in my podcast, that you should slow down and take a break. More so than the other way around. The reason is rather simple. The curing from PTSD is a hell of a marathon and everyone wants to be done with it as soon as possible. Which includes me and the reason I feel like I have to. But while I have briefly broached the subject - I never really went into the question how you know you are moving forward. Which is a rather important point. Of course I will once again only make more general statements - as this topic of course depends on many factors. As usual. One of them being the size of the topic and of course your situation in general. If everything is on fire there is simply less movement. In general it is always best to have a sort of diary - as it is the best way to document your progress and compare yourself to your past self. As mentioned before. BUT I of course understand why people can’t do that and that it even can be dangerous to have these thoughts lying around. The good news is, that it isn’t needed. This comparison is a lot easier to make - you just need to know where to look. First we talk about having the same response, then trigger response despite making progress and about one trigger not moving forward does not mean no progress.
Having the same response [2:20]
One of the easiest ways to figure out if you are stuck is by checking if you keep having the same response. Be it a trigger, trauma, behavior, outbursts, emotions, opinions and so on. That also includes your dreams. Especially dreams. If you keep having the same dream again and again - that means you are probably stuck. And I mean the same dream. Not just the same topic - for example about the family relative you lost. Like seeing them in different settings and situations is the same topic. If situation and setting remain the same - you are likely stuck. During our healing journey we resolve issues by taking them apart from multiple angles - so it is completely normal to be stuck at the same topic for a while. Which makes it a lot easier to figure out. All you need to do is see if your response to something changed. Even just slightly. As long as that happens - you are moving forward. Even if you are taking a break. Usually the strongest noticeable change happens during breaks - as we talked about recently. Did a song or movie or the like make you cry? Go back and see if your response changed. Which is one of the easiest way to check if you made progress.
Trigger response despite making progress [3:58]
It is also important to note, that just because a topic is still a trigger to you - that it doesn’t mean you are not making progress. Some triggers are just huge or have very deep roots or the like. Sometimes the removal just takes a lot of time. That is the moment you have to be more precise and look for details. Did something change? Did my reaction change? Do some variations of the topic don’t trigger me anymore or differently? It is best to break down a big topic into smaller pieces to see progress faster - if you can that is. Otherwise it is wise to write down your reactions and come back after a while and see if anything changed.
One trigger not moving forward does not mean no progress [4:52]
Then there is the point where the trigger truly isn’t moving forward a bit, but that doesn’t mean there is no progress. We sadly don’t get to decide when our brain works on which problem. Often we can’t see which one is being worked on until there is change. Sometimes there is a good reason for that - for example when the trigger is buried under other topics. This way we can see the issue but have no way of resolving it. Our brain does not work like on an office schedule. It does what it does, when it does and whatever way it does it. So it is completely normal for your brain to pick up topics and working on them when you are not even aware that those were actually an issue in the first place. That is why it is so important to give the brain some space to do the thing and just regularly check if something changes. Or be attentive and on the lookout to things around you having or starting to have a different affect on you. Circle logic, self pity, self fulfilling prophecies and the like are your worst enemies and the reason you need to check. Because usually as long the brain has the tools it usually tries to seek out the problems and removes them.
Outro [6:24]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.